Member-only story
Struggling with Sexual Shame as a Man
Risking ridicule with sexual exploration is confusing and relationally hurtful
Playboy magazine was all the rage when I was in sixth grade. Penthouse was making inroads, too, as Hugh Hefner and Bob Guccione placed their fascination with women on the glossy pages of magazines and sold them behind convenience store counters.
On occasion, one of my friends would get his hands on a copy of Playboy and we’d look it over, giggling and not knowing what to do with what we saw. But we knew one thing: we didn’t want to get caught by our parents or teachers.
But you can’t hide forever
My friend Charlie found his dad’s copy of Playboy, handed it to me, and I took it home. I thumbed through the pages and figured I’d toss it into the trash. But before I got rid of it forever, I stuffed in under my mattress where no one would see it and I could get one last look, or two, or three last looks.
This was during Christmas and somehow my parents decided I needed a new mattress or something related to my room. How embarrassing. My dad found it.
